Silver linings
“Turn that frown upside down!”
“Look on the bright side!”
“Make lemons into lemonade!”
I’m a pretty practical person. I’ve already dispelled the “everything happens for a reason” nonsense. (Warning: may end in a cancer patient throat punching you.) As a realist and lawyer I prefer to look at facts not euphemisms. Maybe that’s why cancer is so hard for me. The facts are not so fun.
I have been working on some writings for this blog and I must admit that I have some pretty dark unpublished stuff. You may think of cancer as a physical attack to get through, but the mental aspect is much more difficult than of the havoc being wreaked on my body.
But after almost two solid weeks of heavy duty nausea from chemo piggy-backed onto a stomach virus I need a mental break from my demons. So I have come up with a list of the silver linings of cancer.
Cancer Silver Linings
Priority parking at the cancer hospital! Let the muggles walk a mile to their cars while you remote start your vehicle from the infusion center and saunter to your prime parking spot mere yards away!
No one asks you to do a damn thing for the PTA! No cutting up fruit for you! Just remind everyone how cancer-y your life is and you may not even have to bring napkins to the class party. Come to think of it, you can skip any school related function because those little buggers are germ carriers and your ass is immune compromised AF!
Free rides at the airport! Just get a note from your oncologist and guess who gets to ride a free scooter to the gate! Play it up, and you can even ride in style in a wheelchair.
Weight loss! Dieting and exercise is for muggles! Those of us in the cancering community know the smug feeling of loosely fitting jeans from days of not being able to stomach a meal for weeks on end. Whole 30? Keto? Pish posh to those muggle diets. Try Whole Chemo!
Botox! Your precancerous self once naively feared poison being injected into those fine lines and emerging wrinkles. Now that you’ve had poison injected in your veins the shackles that once held you back from your youthful glow are no more.
Cancer student loan deferment! This is an actual thing in America in 2020. No need to worry about your student debt for at least 6 months after your cancer treatment. Just focus on that medical debt for now. XOXO - the US Government.
You get to pick all the songs! You have fucking cancer! Everyone feels bad for you so pick your favorite tunes. Remind them that life is too short for bad music and drive the point home.
No more taking turns being the designated driver! Your MyChart has a new diagnosis and it’s “anxiety.” Because, cancer! You can’t drive because you’re on Ativan all the time these days. Have a cocktail and let your friends worry about the police.
Anti-nausea medicine knowledge! Activated charcoal didn’t do the trick to prevent that hangover? Your precancerous self was a mere zygote to the expert you have grown into with your knowledge of medications that are available to prevent nausea. Gatorade has nothing on Zofran.
The freedom to live dangerously! You can’t qualify for life insurance any more. Street drugs and sky diving are suddenly options you don’t have to shy away from.
Time for tattoos! You already got your eyebrows tattooed so you don’t look constantly surprised when they fall out, so what is holding you back from more! You already had a facial tattoo - you’re on the Mike Tyson plan now.
The cancer card. It is the most powerful of all cards in your hand. Play it wisely.
This is what I consider to be “not dark.” So, no. Cancer has not changed me.
I should point out, however, that in reality, getting diagnosed with cancer is eye opening AF. The best part about any of it has a to be the groundswell of love that comes pouring into your life. You find out very quickly how incredibly generous, thoughtful, and loving people you have known in your life can be. And good cooks! I have had a meal train going for a month and I have had incredible, nutritious, and thoughtful meals donated to my family from people with the purest hearts. Folks have taken the time to cook a meal in their own kitchen for my family. Even my friends that are tight on time or not feeling their inner Michael Symon have sent meals from restaurants or gift cards. I honestly get choked up when I think of everyone who has taken time to show me how much they care.
From the bottom of my weird little heart, thank you.
