RIP Donald Trump’s Pinterest Account
Alas, the hours spent curating the perfect vision board for the hobbies of the 45th President are gone to the annals of Internet history. If you come to find the recipes and life hacks that intrigued our cable news loving president, you will find instead, 404 page not found.
Gone are the many ways a septuagenerian Baby Boomer might have sought to maintain a pasty orange sheen throughout the winter months. “13 Self Tanners to try if You Love an Orange Glow,” a page sadly no longer conveniently bookmarked. The advice he could have benefitted from in “How to Match your Wet and Wild Bronzer to Your Illuminating Dry Oil Cheeto Mist Spray,” remains unseen, unread, and unpinned by the man who loves to coordinate with citrus fruit.
What a shame, the Stitch Fix board that never was. Such unfulfilled potential for styling from afar. Poor Donald Trump will never know the delight in trendy casual shoes and slimming slacks arriving at his doorstep. (Although it may have been a waste if Stitch Fix does not ship overseas to countries without extradition treaties to the United States.)
The Mar-a-lago board has been deleted forever. Future potential for the Florida estate that once hosted dignitaries will remain tragically unfulfilled now that Donny will no longer benefit from, “How to Get Your Neighbors to Drop Their Lawsuits Against You,” and “The Best Way to Breach a Contract.” Not even tips from “The Art of Hanging Shiplap.” Regrettably, he will no longer be able to sweep Melania off her feet with his plans from the recently pinned page, “How to Add Gaudy Gold Accents to Literally Everything in Your Mansion.”
You will no longer be able to enjoy the pin that peaked his interest in December, “Ten Trendy Overthrows to Try in 2021,” nor the hacks that his stubby fingers hastily pinned in the early hours of the morning one recent night, “DIY Coup d’états.”
What will become of Donny’s favorite recipes, “Twice Baked Potatoes,” which promised to give his potatoes the second term he’ll never get? So much untested potential now that “Sage and Siege: What to Cook After a Failed Coup Attempt,” and “Sour Lemons Make Great Margaritas,” are sadly no longer conveniently stored in one aesthetically pleasing app.
And perhaps most devastating, are the boards that never were. Yet to be discovered was “Top 20 Vacation Destinations for Despots.” The tragedy lies in the wealth of information unfound in the garden of Pinterest like, “Best Secrets for Reducing Post-Presidency Baggage,” and “Tips for Feuding with Your Own Veep,” obvious undiscovered gems.
However, in the ashes of a failed attempt to overthrow democratic rule in the United States of America and subsequent lost opportunity of a perfectly curated board about “How Not to Self Coup,” there does lie an excellent blogging opportunity. Certainly, getting banned from a life hack and recipe app is #fascistgoals.